Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
