I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
