Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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