Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
