All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
