I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
