I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
