I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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