He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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