it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
