It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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