Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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