If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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