the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
either way he was missing a nipple.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
