People in love make me want to vomit
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
