apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
