i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I have feelings that need drinking.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
