My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
