i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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