Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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