Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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