how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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