My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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