Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
