me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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