I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
True college students do jello shots in the library
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