this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
