this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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