we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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