we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
