I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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