just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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