accomplished twins. life is a go
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
