I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
