I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
