In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Randomize
