and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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