Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize