yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
