We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
