K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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