I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize