I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
