i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
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