I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
