I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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