Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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