I wanna bring you to show and tell
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
