remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
