I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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