Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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