omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
