is your mom at the bar?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
