wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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