Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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