Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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