one word: firstdatebathroomanal
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Houston, we have a squirter
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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