first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
