Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Less talking, more tequila
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
