I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize