Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
