Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
