Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
