I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize