AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
