you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
