About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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