Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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